I stopped last at an awkward moment in this somewhat autobiographical journey. Who reads this, I don't know. Why people want to live in the dark, I don't know. But as such, I create some mystery here as a way to self-censor. It creates more mystery here in this writing than it should, but it is meant that way I suppose. I still may only express myself distantly.
If we follow the passage, the sort of tragic drama I was in to last chapter, 'the dark night' - etc. has passed. ok. good. I'm sure if we follow this timeline, there will be another night, no one can say if it will be as difficult.
So, lightly we continue.
I live in the city now. The other day while waiting for a call for dinner at this family of artist siblings, I met a beautiful young woman at the Cafe who listened to me talk about the economic crisis, afterward she gave me a hug. Simple pleasures. I seem to be playing music all the time, sometimes alone, sometimes with a group of talented bohemians. None of us work much, we have little money and we waste a little time with stupid things, but we play a lot, so for that reason, we get better. I put my cowboy hat on the other night, played Angels from Montgomery and Lucky Old Sun. Met a tomboyish and bratty African woman, the youngest of 9 of course, and really enjoyed her brazen style. I love being single.
Lightly we continue, but we can think about light. I decided that maybe I am a complicated monotheist. The African woman told me she is not a monotheist, maybe she is a polytheist or a pantheist. I get the point of monotheism, but I suppose I am not completely hung up on it either.
There is time. Time is God, it is greater than us. It moves everything forward and therefore it creates. It is eternal, always there, a Friend. But Light is God too. Light is everything that is created. Time moves light and creates, in creating, beings arise. As beings arise there is consciousness. In consciousness, there is now a relating, a relating between conscious beings and this light and time.
Sometimes I feel that my whole being is light, actually, and intellectually, I know that it is anyway, but I can feel it filling me. Light as energy to matter, my body not just a clumsy sack of bones, brimming, shimmering light. And then I get a pretty good sleep.
A woman friend decided to instruct me that I am not enlightened. I needn't explain why, there is a bit of history to this misunderstanding. It is a misunderstanding because I don't know what 'not enlightened' means anymore than I know what 'enlightened' means. I think it's something that comes up on the way as a lightpost to people seeking to shed some extra baggage, or 'onion layers' of themselves as they like to say, or trying to be happy and they don't know why they aren't, people with restless souls who want something spiritual they feel is lacking. So people with some wisdom speak of enlightenment as if to say, 'hey, this is a good place of dignity, peace, and love that we are being in, and you should come over here.' What is it? It's called 'enlightenment'. But speaking of it is always a kind of blasphemy anyway. People get fixated on the words, because they think it is a label you can get or ascribe, or some sort of spiritual achievement, a rank in the spiritual pecking order, something larger than life.
This is all bullshit, actually. We are all basically 'lighter' than we think spiritually, physically, emotionally, mystically, and states of being are described in reference to that. This has caused much confusion, particularly for young people who are 'spiritual' and 'seeking'.
Lightly... we will continue next time.
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